Last week as I attended my weekly women’s circle, we had “speaking as your shadow” as our topic. Well, instead of doing that, I let my shadow actually take over and I hid. I said, “I’m not familiar with my shadow, I’ll open it for questions, so that I can be prompted and find my shadow”. The lovely beautiful souls asked me about my divorce and I shared things.
But here’s the truth.
Talking about my divorce, anything sad or things that make me angry are not my shadow. I am so comfortable with those emotions, it’s not hidden or suppressed (anymore). I’m happy to talk to anyone about my divorce or my dog who stayed with my ex in Chicago which always makes me cry, but I love it because my tears come from the love I have for both of them. So, to me, this is not my shadow.
So, what am I hiding?
I think I’m hiding the best, most confident version of me.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ― Marianne Williamson
A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of “A Course in Miracles”
That’s why instead of sharing from a place of wisdom, a place of connection with my inner being, and a place of knowing, I said “I don’t know”. Because right now, I still prefer to come across as unwise, unknowing, unattractive, unenlightened, humble, small, and/or dimmed and blend in to the groups especially of women (since my sisterhood wound is a new healing for me) than the alternative…
But wait, what is this false alternative that I’ve lived with my whole life?
It’s the lie that if I’m fully myself – a fabulous, wealthy, confident, enlightened, smart, attractive, brilliant human – I’ll make others feel less-than and they’ll reject me and tear me down.
I became aware of this narrative a couple years ago and thought my awareness and mental processing was enough to undo the damage. Yet here I am still acting upon this subconscious belief. The situation that first planted this seed in me happened almost 10 years ago and I’ve let it flourish. That’s what happens with all thought forms whether good or bad – they grow.
Today, my journaling practice brought me to rethink the lessons I want to take from that situation. Here are some of the options that came to me and my reaction to these:
- I am an arrogant person who has no right to be as confident as I am – doesn’t feel good and keeps me debilitated
- I am blessed with opportunities surpassing previous generations, and there are those who will applaud my courage to take them and those who will be angry and fearful towards me – feels better
- The momentum of the entire planet is at a pivotal point where anyone who wants to do anything great can do it, and we all have the option to take it or leave it, right now and in every now moment, everyone has that option. – much better
- I was a kid then, but I’m not a kid anymore. I am wise, ready, willing, more in tune, more experienced, more able, and I know now who are my people and who are not. – true
- There will always be jealous people. Let them be. Pray for them for they see in you what they never had the courage to be. – I can work with that
Guys, it’s so scary for me to write this, but I have to. This is my website, my blog, and yet I’ve hidden. I have subscribers and hundreds of people who visit every week; yet, I haven’t posted in months because of this fear.
It’s real.
The fear of being a know-it-all or arrogant or worse, actually succeed at what I’m doing and be known for something great. It’s actually scary for me. I continue to hide my knowing and these are gifts that I can’t bury any longer. I’m surprised this shadow-self showed up even in a safe, supportive environment. Even surrounded by loving souls, I was triggered to play small. I could feel it as it was happening, but I couldn’t stop it in the moment.
So, I’m here to face my true fear, being myself. I know this isn’t solving everything, but it’s a step in true honesty with myself and part of my continual healing and growing journey. In the days following the circle, I was so uncomfortable with the fact that I couldn’t speak as my shadow and I think it’s because my shadow is not like everyone else that shared before me. It’s not that I’m secretly angry or secretly sad because that’s not a secret, I AM …often! Life is happening and I’m here with it, learning and growing. But my true fear is saying things like “I’m wise beyond my years, I have so much untapped potential, I’m working on amazing things, and I am really good working with people to help them heal”. I’ve never said that. I’m writing it for the first time, and I intend to be more intentional with it.
I intend to face my real fear and see what happens. I’m in a beautiful journey of not just healing myself by changing my thoughts which hypnotherapy has been instrumental, but I’m also recognizing the need to embody my most authentic self, my full self, the light and the dark, and this is me sharing a part of that.
Thanks for reading, friends. My commitment to you is to show up more often.
NOW IT’S YOUR TURN! REFLECTION TIME:
I encourage you to dig deep into the things that are truly hidden within you. Maybe it’s different for you, but get honest, start writing, start noticing where you hold back in front of others, and start saying the things you wouldn’t dare say out loud. I encourage you, and I love you.
If you want guidance in this process, book a laser coaching session with me or to dig deeper into the root cause of some of your fears, book a hypnotherapy session. For any questions, email me at hello@mayraleen.com.
Much love,
Mayra